Thursday, November 15, 2012

Until you made her one

For him, it was 10 minutes
A ten minute victory
over a person too drugged to use her Judo against him
or the knife
that was clipped into her back pocket

For me, it was 10 hours
Ten hours of jokes, of deep, centered breathing
Of being strong
Of being there
Of holding her hand

For her, it was 10 days
Ten days of waiting to find out if she was clean
That all traces of him were gone from her flesh
That she had healed

Though,
In reality
Time stopped for her in those ten minutes
Her lifeclock was reset
And instead of measuring time in years since birth
Or years since graduation
She measures time in days

Days that add space between her and him.
Today makes 32
32 days closer to moving from victim
To survivor
And realizing that 'victim' 
doesn’t mean 'fault.'

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

What Are This

6.27.12.

The kind of magic I do is up close and personal.
Subtle.
If you look away you might miss it
The transformation
The transition
From acquaintence
            To acquired
                        To accessed
You might miss the moment I cross over
Unless you peer deeply into my eyes
Catch the glint of self-assured candor
And catch yourself before you fall.

Seemless transition of expression
Somewhere deeply beyond
What can be seen with the eye
And measured with the mind.
There is a rhythym followed that
Will take you there
Past the sighs
            And into my soul.
I feel you on my breath as I exhale
Like somehow the tiny sighs of butterflies
Escaped into my bloodstream
To float out of my nose

I was afraid to fall.
            Now I am afraid not to

Dancing Feet (and descent into drunken poetry)

 Dancing Feet

When I look at my feet
I think of you.
I think of the feet of the girls you dance with.
I think of their bodies, hardened
Flexible
Capable of much more than mine.
I never thought about my feet much
Before you.
My monkey feet.
I can turn door handles with them.
I can pick things off the ground with them.
When I try to stretch them
They cramp.
I wonder if I’m capable of the perfect extension,
The strength, the grace
I imagine you look at my attempt
And think to yourself
“she’s not really a dancer, she’s just a girl who dances.”
Dancing feet.
I know how to work a crowd
I could win medals
If I had the right feet
If I were more flexible
I could be amazing.
Then you’d love me.
I hear your voice in my head
Like a broken record
Always repeating
“I’m interested in people who are good at things”
And I was
Good at things.
But not the kind of things
That kept you interested.
I was good at keeping us fed.
I was good at listening to you talk about your day
I was good at sharing.
Sharing my life,
My car,
My time.
I was good at touching you.
Loving you.
At least, I thought I was.
Might have been.
I was good at giving.
I gave, I gave, I gave, I gave
And in all my giving
I forgot to be good at things.
All the books
They said
The change had to start with me
“The change”
Like some grand, orchestrated event
Like the sky was going to freaking part
And let the rains of self-discovery drum down on your curly head
And you’d open your eyes
And really see me
As if for the first time
After a long time
And you’d reach out your hand
And you’d move a hair from my face
And you’d say
Wow, I’ve never been so in love.
Because you’d see
You’d finally see

me



Other Songs

I’ve been listening
To that musician
The one who wrote that song
The one we sing together
You know the one
You play it on the guitar
And we sing it
And it is so cute
It makes us barf
He wrote other songs
Some not so cute
And some that give me hope
That someday, someone will love me
Like you couldn’t



Dreams

We built a dream of all time
Grandiose
And I wrapped my future around it
And it pulsed
We gave it life
This dream we crafted, wove
ourselves into it, out of time
And mind
And into a land
Where lovers always win
Where love is always enough
Because love bashes the bad against the wall
And we laugh to see it bleed all down the chipped paint
Maree.
Australia.
Dance.
Our Ridiculous Restaurant.
Now I stare at blank, seafoam walls.
You are nowhere
But in my dreams.



My mother’s breath

It’s what I didn’t know
That trapped me
In the end.
I thought I could understand
And I did
I always did
More than they thought I could
And it killed
To have the smell
Linger.
I once painted in the lines of Grandmother Willow
And you came to say goodnight
And now whenever I smell wine on someone’s
Exhale
I think of Grandmother Willow.
Though, on my own breath,
I think of dirty catboxes.
I thought I had learned from her
She said
Don’t marry someone’s potential.
But, if people change, if they grow with you,
Are you marrying potential?
A vision?
Shouldn’t we all be given the space to change?
To grow?
Extra limbs, a violin arm,
A loving smile
That crinkles my eyes…


Love

I can’t love you back to health.
I gave you the best of me
You were my family
You made me believe in commitment.
I believed you’d never break my heart.
And yet
I am staring at it
Effusive, stinking mess of broken strings and smelly holes.
If it had legs it would kick out viciously
It would, of course, blame me if it could talk
I’m sure I’d get an earful
Might even go deaf
Or blind.
It would lash out, had it arms, it would wring necks
It would rip all my underwear
Because every article
Reeks
Of you.
It would throw shoes
Pee on the rug
It would demand an explanation.
How could you go from Love to Can't?

And something inside
Knew it
That you couldn't forgive me
And that’s why I cried all the way to school.




Thursday, July 7, 2011

To Jump, or Not to Jump?

I stand at this moment at the great abyss.....

....of change. 

I know! I know! We've all stood here before. In fact, the act of standing here, really, is an endless metaphor; there are likely millions of people who stand at this same precipice, at any given moment, in any given time zone. Somehow, through the great space and time continuum, we are all connected. 

So. 

Here I am. 

Can anyone hear me? 

(Stage Direction: She waits a moment, listening to the silence. She takes a deep breath that reaches down to her toes before coming back out slowly and audibly. All at once, she has become vulnerable. She looks down at the ground, and then back at the audience with shining eyes.) 

I just quit my job to join the gypsies. 

(Mutterings of disapproval are heard from offstage. She holds her hands up defensively)

Alright, alright!  I accept that it is a little nuts, out of the ordinary, and irresponsible!  You have every right to voice your concerns.... but please: hear me out!

(She waits for a moment for he mutterings to stop before continuing)


O.K. so I may have some explaining to do. (She sighs, almost somewhat in defeat) Truth be told... I've been stuck. I'm an artist who has forsaken the mediums which I had once paid regular tribute to. I don't draw anymore, I don't perform. My guitar callouses have all but faded away completely, and I'm not even journaling. And trust me... if you've put up with what I've put up with at my last job for the past 3 years, you would have quit, too!

(More muttering arise, she shouts to calm them)


Hey! I'm not finished here! O.K., I recognize that it was a little rash, but please. I feel it in my gut! It is something I felt I had to do! I keep hearing about how important it is to listen to your intuition, and I have allowed mine to shout until it was hoarse without heeding it--deluding myself that if I just stayed on a few more days, weeks, months--it's been a year, and my entire savings is down to thirty bucks and a cent! I need to come up with rent and security before the month is out! (She holds up a warning finger) Yes! I get it! 'How are you going to accomplish this without a job!?' And well-- I used to listen to you all the time, now look where I am! I can't let you run my decisions anymore. You're just going to have to trust me on this one.

I really believe deep in my gut  that this is all going to work out.

There are other jobs--I have a lot going for me. I am not helpless. And I'm not going to die if the plan falls through; I have friends, family--people who will feed me if I face 'starvation'. At least I know that in making this decision, I am finally listening to myself.... and not my fears. 


(She stands in silence for a few moments, looking left and right. She waits for the mutterings to start up again, but they are silent. A soft glow of light fades up from below, casting eerie shadows over her face. She looks down into the 'abyss' and smiles.)


See? This isn't so scary.

It's actually kind of easy when I feel this light.

(She takes another deep, invigorating breath that reaches her toes.)


My life is about to get really interesting.

(She jumps. There are a few long moments of silence following her exit before lights fade to black.)


End

Monday, April 11, 2011

Hannagan - Story Snippet


Hannagan took her cloak off and swung it over a chair back, then rested a hand upon it.  From above the rim of  her sunglasses, ruby-colored eyes floated about as she took in the scene. It was just an empty in a nondescript sort of way, lacking in any kind of personality that she could see.  With the hand that held her long cigarette, she pushed her glasses back in place, fit the cigarette in her mouth, and a flare preceded the smoke she quickly pulled into her lungs. She pushed her long, cherry red hair out of her face, relishing in the first, smooth drag she’d had all day. “What comes after, the chick or the smell of rot,” She sang in an under-breath as she exhaled. If nobody was expected back at the office, then nobody would mind if she lit up. Not that she was really considering caring about what any of the occupants of the building felt. She, after all, was among those who wanted them dead. And if not dead, than she’d settle for really, really gone.  
However, this would require that somebody be home.
               “Wince,” She called in her high contralto. A heartbeat or two passed before she heard the soft flack of Winston’s patent leather shoes on the cheap linoleum. She closed her eyes and sucked on her cigarette. He walked into the room like a small whirlwind, his own dark cloak billowing about his ankles as he stopped before her, removing his fedora. From the tone of his stance, she knew he had found much of the same as she.
               “Nothing.” He told her. Hannagan blew the smoke above his head, which was about a foot below her own. She was not a short woman, nor was he a tall man.
               “They must have known we were coming, then.” She finally said.
               He sighed. “I think they had known for a while. I don’t feel any warmth from this place at all.”
               “And the lack of pictures makes it all so drab and dull, I don’t know why we left our party for this wreck.” Through her glasses, Hannagan checked his expression. His face was a bore.
               “Yet, I was so sure we had found them.” He said quietly.
               “It was a stupid lead, and we both knew it.” She scolded. He didn’t take the bait.
               “Well, we’ll have to burn that source. He must have known what we were after…”
               “Like I said, Wince, that guy didn’t have brains of his own.  
               “We couldn’t have stopped them, anyway. There were too many.” He conceded.
               “Don’t say that!” Hannagan reprimanded. “Don’t underestimate us like that.”
               “I’m not underestimating, I’m being realistic. This isn’t a battle we would have strolled through.”
               “But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t have beat them.”
               “In an office building? I thought the plan was to get them to a park.”
               “Yes, but you said, ‘the element of surprise is indispensable..’”
               “And it is, when there are people for whom the surprise is intended.”
               “So why would our boy lead us astray, I wonder.” Hannagan switched gears, taking a stroll about the room and lighting another cigarette. Winston ignored the way she curved as she walked. “He could have been one of two things: a) too scared of them to give us real information, or b) another memory-altered idiot planted there to give us misinformation.”
               “Perhaps it’s all a trap, Hanny. Have you considered that this all may be an elaborate trap?”
                “You’d smell a trap, Wince.” She cooed, and touched his nose. “Don’t put yourself down like that. And quit being paranoid; it’s unnatractive on you.”
               Winston fixed his eyes on the gray, moldy carpet in an effort to hide the reddening of his cheeks. Hannagan let him think that he had succeeded. He was so cute when he tried to hide things from her.
               “What I find strangest is that this address just happens to be unused.”
               “But it isn’t unused, Hanny, there’s furniture. And machines—even telephone lines.” Winston held up a phone chord as proof.
               “But no evidence of people. Tell me: have you seen any refrigerators? Any water coolers? Anything that would indicate that people might work here for stretches of time in a day?”
               “Hm. Yes. And you’ve already pointed out the lack of personal effects.”
               “I thank you.”
               “But what do you think it means?” Winston’s opalescent eyes begged hers.
               “I don’t know, I’m only saying that it’s strange to make an office and then not put people in it.”
               “You’re right, it just doesn’t make any sense.”
               “And why would it? It’s not like these people get off on giving us the run-around or anything.”
               “Quite right.”
               “You know, I’m starting to think this place isn’t as dead as an end as we were thinking.”
               “I’m starting to feel that, too.”
               “Right. So it isn’t just me?”

               “Well, the point isn’t what might have been, the point is that they’ve already left.”
               “But they haven’t won, ye—”
               “Hanny, they might as well have, this was supposed to be our last chance!” Winston’s opalescent eyes, as they glared up at her, harbored hints of orange. Hannagan knew what orange meant, and she paused for a few draughts to ponder on it. He gave her her silence, during which he sighed and dropped his eyes away, resolving to glare at the open door he had come through. This left Hannagan staring at the side brim of his hat, where a bit of ash had fallen. She reached her hand out to brush it off, and Winston’s arm whipped around reflexively to block her. She grabbed the rouge hand, all but biting back her power to keep from burning him. They locked eyes, surprised. His were wide, but back to their normal pearlescense.
               “I’m sorry, Han, I—“ he tried to get his arm back from her, but her grip held firm and hot. Her glasses had slipped off the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were glazed over, and he knew he was in trouble.
               “Hannagan.” He breathed, hoping her name might bring her back. But he knew the signs—the forgotten cigarette on the office floor, the labored breathing, all together with the eyes—she was about to have another vision.
               Either a vision, or an aneurysm.
               Winston swallowed back the bad taste in his mouth, and attempted to steady her tall frame with his free arm. Meanwhile, the pain in the arm she held was becoming harder to bear with a straight face. Even though Winston knew she wasn’t aware of him in this state, he still wouln’t give her the knowledge of his pain. This was soon to become a futile effort.
               Hannagan cried out unintelligibly—it was a guttural sound. Her other hand  clenched the material of her dress at her stomach, the black and glittering cloth shook as her hand trembled there. This was followed by several sharp intakes of breath, and a final, tortured moan. Winston felt her sway on her feet, and tried to bend her to the ground before she took them both for a tumble. With her next, labored breath, her knees buckled, and she fell with him onto the hard linoleum.

               “Hannagan!” came Winston’s yelp, but it fell again on deaf ears. 

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Throwing in the Towel…


This is a spoken word poem that I wrote for myself to perform at my Voice and Diction final. Costume included: white button up, black apron, and black tie. And I'm sure I wore pants.


To all the people to whom I lied to make this evening possible:
I’m sorry
 I quit.

When I get like this, it’s like there’s no stopping me
When I get like this it’s like the great monster of “RAWR! COMMITMENT!”
Tears open my left clavicle and shouts: There’s just some things you don’t talk about!

Well, fuck that.

The sanctity of marriage be damned
when a grandma can’t bring herself to leave a grandpa
for molesting a daughter
who would eventually become my mother
whom my father never kept a promise to,
moved on to thicker,
younger
pastures
and forgot to leave the housekeeper out of it….
And you wonder why I don’t believe in marriage.

Me
Who’s sitting on a toilet wondering why you didn’t call me like you said you would
Because your phone died
And because after 2 years you still don’t know my number by heart
My number that is
My voice at the other end
My voice and so much more
My voice, which I force to speak upon the swamp thing that festers beneath my clavicle
D’you hear me!?
I quit!
I quit the world that must not see
Must not know
How I am broken
Or sealed
Or hurting
Or hiding the fact that I didn’t go into either of my jobs tonight
Though I was called.
Instead I sat on my couch
Like a slob and a quitter

But how can I quit
When recession is advertised in every window in every shop that offers free meals to kids on Sundays
I work two jobs
And school full time
Social life?
Are you alive?
Free time equals 30 minutes a week during which I must shave my legs
So don’t wait up for me at the coffee shop
Because I have to home brew now
No quick stop at a friend’s
No stroll down to the west end of the street where the sun sets in all its glory
And orange pearlescence over the lazy transverse mountain range
And you see - I don’t even know what that means
Don’t even see the color orange in the sky because I have forgotten
What the sunset can mean to a person who has forgotten
That the most beautiful things in life
Are usually free.

Me
Who presides over her student-sized checkbook
Which looks a lot more like a debt-book
And begs about as much as my roommate’s cat for attention.

Me
Who slips between skins
Like a chameleon through colors
Though with considerably more effort
I step out of the schmoozer and into a costume that says
“Hi, I touch your dirty plates
I scrape your half eaten rack of ribs into the trash can
I drop your extra ramekin of ranch onto the tile floor
I watch it shatter into fourteen pieces that Jose picks up for me
Because the noise has just made me dumb”
But that isn’t what consciously passes through your mind when we talk
It is what isn’t said
But resounds loudly in my ears.
I want to befriend you; you’d give me more money, wouldn’t you?

Me
Who delivers your drinks effortlessly to your table
Spilling only on my own hands
Which are still wet and I
PRETEND            
is normal
so nobody notices that my apron is darker in some places
So nobody notices that I tremble only slightly
when the whole of me screams and twists from the inside out
To walk out that door
And into the orange glow of fading light
And fading warmth
And fading promises…

And I quit.
Quit festering. Quit pestering. Quit with the dishes with the PRETENSES
And I quit this “RAWR COMMITMENT!”
And I quit this.. (throws necktie)
and I quit this… (throws apron)
and I quit ‘When I get like this”
and this is the point where I am reminded by Debra that stress is released 3 ways
Crying
Laughter
And orgasm

And speaking of which... (exits)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Inspiration

I've been noticing the feeling it takes out of me to sleep long hours. I don't want to do it anymore. Love hours as opposed to short hours. Nothing seems to matter as much as it used to when compared to the world at large. In accepting what is, I find that I can breathe easier. People I care about have said a lot of bullshit, though not all of it bull, and not all of it shit.

I just feel that to give my all, I need a place to fall back into when I've spent all I have. I don't want to give all of me away. Nor do I want to give half of me. I like me too much. And I need to say that on days I actually feel it.

I feel like I'm collecting the scattered pieces that I've strewn all about. Strength is not about physical prowess, it is indomitable will. Thanks, Ghandi. I appreciate your words. But you're a skinny man in a robe, of course you'd say that. I think strength is all of the above. Indomitable will can be taken as stubbornness. And what if you have that will, but lack wisdom? Then are you strong, or just weak-minded and reacting from fear?