Procrastination could be considered one of the most horrific traits a human could possess, except for the extraordinary work that does come about as a result of the super-hero mode.
This may require some explanation.
The super-hero mode is definitely that place that comes out of fear of failure slash fear of absolute suckage. When I procrastinate, and leave myself a night or less to complete a project, suddenly I become a superhero with amazing supertastic powers. One of those powers includes the making up of words, and the supreme ability to find incredibly important things with which to distract myself from my main goal. Which is, of course, to complete the project. So here is one crap-shoot ability coming into reality right now.
I am writing a blog post as I procrastinate on my CV project for Archaeology Lab Procedures.
Now, something that I've been pondering on recently is my role in other people's lives, especially in regards to how my personal growth (whether it's backwards or forwards, it's still falls under the category of "personal development") has effected it. I used to give a huge damn how I was perceived. Now I give less of a huge damn. And with this giving less of a huge damn comes the fact that I try a lot less to please the people around me. And something that I've noticed that has come up as a result is my ability to spot emotional poison, and the effects it has on otherwise bright, accepting people. Take some of my coworkers, for instance. If What's-Her-Facel did not react so negatively, and if she could ever pull her head out from under her negative rock, perhaps she wouldn't have poised people against me. Poison, poison, poison. I feel the poison trying to pry me open and suck me dry all the time.
And I guess that because I can feel it prying means that I'm two steps ahead of where I was, when I was being drained and devastated by it.
I think self-love really is what it's cracked up to be.
And this brings me to the title: Peripheral Living = Living on the Edge?
Am I, in busying myself and not committing myself to one social, academic, or vocational identity or another, living peripherally to other people? As in, my friendship groups-are they suffering because I am not as involved in their lives as I once had been? I know that I cannot afford to jump head first into the drama surrounding many of the people I once considered close friends because I have a future that I am preparing hardcore for. I definitely don't feel like I'm on the periphery of my own life, since I am staring right at it all the freaking time. Except when I procrastinate, but even then—like in cases like this one—I find myself staring straight at my reality in the face. Or at least trying to get a handle on it. So that is what this blog is all about, I guess. Trying to get a handle on my life view at present.
I've had to pee for a while.
Tiredness is seeping into my brain and heart, and it is becoming harder to see what is real, and what my fears are masking as real.
Real or imagined, I know I have let my reactions to negativity rule me. I want to enter into my new state of being without that baggage. Without the negativity of others influencing my opinion of myself and of what I am capable. Today I am so full of love, and my expectation of receiving that same unconditional love back was not met, so I think I'm experiencing a bit of a let down. And it is sad for me to see What's-Her-Facel try at every opportunity to drag and pull and poke at my high spirits and loving nature in order to bring me into a more comfortable place, a place where her negativity has more power and pull and sway over anything that I would have to say. Yet I didn't let her, because I didn't give in to my fears. I maintained my flow, and acknowledged the insecurities that came up as I let them go on their way, and out the back door of my consciousness.
I just want to be happy and healthy, and boy has it been some hard work. I've put some long hours in, and I can tell my tonight's mood (or this morning, rather) that I have much work ahead of me, yet.
Living on the edge of a society full of emotional poison masked as "realism". That's where I am. And I'm ready to remove myself further from it. I don't want the poison. I don't want this parasite sucking me dry every waking moment. It nearly killed me once, and I don't want to let it get that much of me again.
Heaven let your light shine down.
